The Love Shack Hotel

2008-01-10T16:29:00.001-06:00

Hey! Who left used pantyhose hanging from the fan in Room 207?

-Edie, the French Maid.

2007-10-30T16:14:00.000-05:00

So, I'm the newest hire. Names Edie. I'm the French Maid. Oi! I'm going to confess it here, I lied on my application. I ain't French and I sure in the hell ain't no damn Maid. See, what I really am is an actress and I'm only taking this job until that break comes my way. Like, I can see myself the next Judy Garland in "The Wizard of Oz", 'cept I plan on re-working some of them scenes 'cus all that Witch need is someone to pull that weave off her head and tell her what's what. I'm good at that, as you'll come to see. So, until then can we just make this thing work? You know, this job? Because I need it until my big moment comes. And I tell you, I have the talent, I just need that one little break.

Here's how it's gonna go: I show up to work in this cutesy outfit, you keep your hands to yourself. I'll clean up after you so long as you don't leave behind blood, body fluids, or items I don't need to see. You try to be tidy and I won't bust your chops for being a complete slob. We clear?

-Edie, the French Maid

2007-04-20T09:17:00.000-05:00

Alright, who locked me in the pool house?

~The Lovely Management

2006-09-20T13:42:00.000-05:00

Lobby Activities This Weekend:

Saturday morning "VJ and the Animals" will be treating us to trapieze performance. Everyone is encouraged to bring their own umbrella.
Cotton Candy and lemonade will be given away to any guest who has successfully trained their room pet to whistle.
The Great Sliding Competition will be held Sunday morning. JM'sey, be sure to give the floor a good waxing the night before, eh?
Due to an over-active oven, there is an abundance of fresh chocolate chip cookies that must be eaten IMMEDIATELY. Bessy will supply the milk.
The cd, "One Night Jonny," will be played non-stop this weekend. "One Night Jonny" is a collection of Jonny's most absurdly drunken songs that he has sung while hosting Karaoke night.
The weekend will end with a showdown between Miss Kendra and Egan for "Best Pirate Accent."

~The Lovely Management

2006-09-18T16:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight only!

Col will sing "Fame" at Jonny's Karaoke Bar!

~The Lovely Management

2006-09-07T15:37:00.000-05:00

Sorry folks. I blacked out the other day and came to in a part of the valley I had never been too. It took me forever to find one of Ike's trails, but soon after I was able to take off these wings. Let me explain.

About five days ago I was baking some individual pumpkin loaves for tea that afternoon. The kitchen was a mess and I hadn't seen JM'sey for days. So I walked across the main courtyard to the east wing's broom closet. I opened the door, reached for the broom, heard someone below and behind me scream "Not me brooooooooooooooooooom!" And that's when I remember feeling a hard smack on the back of my head. I came to under a huge Cypress tree wearing the fairy godmother costume from last week's musical "Happy!" (It was a lovely performance. Rezzie made a wonderful Snow White, Jonny played all of the dwarves, Miss Kendra played the wicked queen and VJ played the fairy godmother/narrator.) I dusted the dirt off of the pink tutu (VJ would kill me!) and adjusted the wings. When I inspected the tree closer, I noticed a door knob. I pulled it open and discovered the infamous gherkin closet. There had been a rumor circulating around the hotel that the previous property owner had a closet full of jars from his home canning business.

Grabbing a couple of jars, I headed in a straight of a path as possible. The cypress tree was at the base of one of the hills, and I thought I could make out the top of the north tower from there. After a jar and a half of gherkins, I made my way to the cave trail and headed straight for the kitchen. Someone has to serve tea ;)

~Col

2006-08-25T13:14:00.000-05:00

I first bought my piano in 1974, seven years before I was born. It's red, and probably the sexiest piano on earth. Most guests don't realise it's also a time machine. Those that do, however, are usually so drunk that nobody takes them seriously when they tell other guests about this. In this way, the secret stays safe. In any case, it's not like anyone would mind. It's my special time-travelling piano that allows our happy "hour" to be eight hours long. Left your wallet up in your room? Don't worry about it, you can pay for your drinks yesterday.

Since the Shack really took off as business, I've been allowed to employ my own chorus of backing singers. All of them wear red. That's the only condition of employment I actually insist upon. Not wearing red tonight? You're sacked! Can't sing? Join the cacophony. Together we are Jonny and the Painkillers.

It's not karaoke that I lead, not in any conventional sense. The way we usually do things is before happy hour starts, the Painkillers and I stick post-it notes under all the seats in the bar, each with a title of a song written on it that we can pretty much guarantee nobody will have ever heard of. (This is often, but not always because, we make up the titles ourselves. How's the average swiss banker to know there isn't really a Smiths B-side from 1986 called, "I'm Not Convinced That's Really Such a Good Idea, Frank"? It certainly sounds like one). Volunteers (who are sometimes, admittedly, "volunteers") take the note from under their seat and come to the front to perform their rendition of the song. The looks on their faces as they scan their brains' filing cabinets for names of obscure pop-songs, and draw a complete blank, is priceless. I never get tired of it.

So with our (")volunteer(") in place, I shake the sleeves of my red velvet jacket in the way that pianists always do to indicate they're about to start playing, and bang out a montage of almost every possible chord, by way of introduction. The Painkillers are shoop-shooping, ooo-oooo-ing and yeah-yeah-yeahing away and a splendid time is generally had by all. If things go really, really badly, which they often do (but only in the traditional, unimaginative sense of the word "bad") we just travel back in time and start again, to save over-embarrassing our volunteer, who by now is that little bit drunker anyway, so is less likely to care second time around.

Each happy hour, when we follow this procedure, actually ends of lasting several years. You should see my tip jar by the end of the night. Life's a bitch.

2006-08-25T10:55:00.000-05:00

I checked in quite late last night. Greeting me was none other than Sarah, who at the time was wearing the most adorable little hat. When I asked her where she got it from, her reply was to go to visit with the arts and crafts diva, Miss Kendra. Check-in at the Love Shack was rather, well, personal. They stood me up next to a shadow shape and deemed that because I was smaller than it that I deserved a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies, which was later delivered to my room that night. I asked what would have happened if I hadn't been smaller and they say that instead of cookies, I would have received a milkshake. Here, they welcome their guests with food. There was also music playing in the lobby. I hadn't heard the band before, who's name was Fakin' It. They would be playing at the Hotel all that week and one of the band members, Therese, was already onstage performing her rendition of Madonna's 'Material Girl'. As I headed toward the chrystal elevator Sarah, along with a little pink elephant, threw confetti at me.

Escorting me to my room was a penguin wearing a feathered boa. I was told that it gets cold in the hallways at night. I have the pleasure of staying in the Goldfish Bowl. My door was actually a submarine door and you walk into a glass tube - completey surrounded by water and goldfish of all kinds. One of which was as big as a cat and as red as a lobster. By the time I turned around to tip the penguin, I noticed that he was already helping himself to a bucket of sardines at the end of the hallway and heading towards the Slip 'n Slide. After unpacking my things, I headed for the Karaoke room. By this time Therese had moved on to 'La Isla Bonita' and bellydancing. Quite a combination. I sat down at the bar and took in the ambiance. The room was crowded with all sorts of people and animals. In fact, I think I saw the same penguin playing the drums. As she finished, a man of leisure took the microphone and began to sing 'My Funny Valentine'. By the end there wasn't a dry eye in the room. I took that to be my queue to go to sleep. Afterall, I wanted to be up in time for the Lagoon Patrol.

After a quick tea and scone I made my way to the far lagoon at the end of the valley. Daily excursions are made here to feed the creatures living in the bottom of the lagoon. Although I don't see why as they practically came out of the water and took the food out of the buckets themselves! Kelp covered people with gills, webbed feet and an odor that I can only describe as clam-y. Afterwards a group of us made our way to the tea room for a relaxing chat about that morning. I later came to understand that it wasn't the feeding of these creatures that was important but the social interaction. I went back to my room and discovered and odd little man mopping up the room. The goldfish were enjoying his whistling, so I quickly changed into more formal attire and went about exploring the inner domain....

~Alfred J. Prufrock
Guest Extraordinaire

2006-08-21T18:57:00.000-05:00

Attention Guests:

It has come to our attention that due to a slight miscalculation in our potpourri craft lesson this past thursday, we have accidentally created a potion that brought the majority of our decorative mannequins to life. Apparently there is some sort of violent rivalry between those mannequins with limbs and those without, and um, so we'd appreciate the return of any errant heads to the front desk as soon as possible.

Thank You.

- miss kendra, her highness queen of craftiliciousness

2006-08-18T12:04:00.000-05:00

The strange and unusual are actually expected around here. To further prompt your explorations of these subjects, we have filled our library with many informative books to help you on your adventures. You might ponder reading New Bugs and Carapices in the Middle Ages or Thumbwit's Date with a Toad before walking thru the South Woods. Where would us staff members be if it weren't for A Spitfire's Memoir? Or if poetry is your forte, then perhaps Understanding Your Pet Pronoun might be of better use. Cobblestones vs. Anthills is always a good read on a lazy afternoon. Like I said before, many of these books were donated, but we can't help but think that they do hold a special place here. Just like our Domicile Feline Language Section.

~The Lovely Management

2006-08-17T13:01:00.000-05:00

Staff Poetry Contest Entry #1

Wigged Rebellion

Wicked wigs were the rule
But the French were cruel
"Off with your head dear sir" -
No royalty now found there.
Without them what would we do?

(This poem is for Jonny who asked me to write a poem about "The French Revolution would not have happened if people in the 18th century hadn't worn such absurd wigs.")

~Col

2006-08-17T12:56:00.000-05:00

Tonight Only!

Ozzy the Oped Squirrel will be performing at the Obsequious Poetry Room.

Bring your own salt.

~The Lovely Management

2006-08-16T15:37:00.000-05:00

Guests please note, it's a bit on the cloudy side today, (I took this while cleaning the roof) but there are plenty of sights, sounds and indeed smells to keep you enthralled and entertained should you wish to stay inside. Please see the front lobby for details on the noticeboard of classes and activities.

Thank you.

- Sancho.

2006-08-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

NOTICE:

To the strange cult that has developed within the twenty-four hour period of our hotel opening:
You can swim in all three pools on the same day, but please rinse off in-between swims. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the mud out of the cotton candy? Oh yes, and next time you re-arrange all of the encyclopedias in the library by which ones are prettier - please let the Book Kitty know. She doesn't mind a new arrangement as long as she is a part of it.

Thank you,
~The Lovely Management

2006-08-16T14:52:00.000-05:00

A Note For Guests: Decor & Cleanliness

I wish to point out to our guests that we want your stay at the Loveshack to be as enjoyable and comfortable as possible. Therefore, if you have any concerns about general cleanliness, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Any guests unhappy with the decor of your room, please contact our resident fashionista Rezzie, who will instantly transform your room colours, bedding and layout complete with matching co-ordinated room animal to match your hearts desire!

Thank you.

- Sancho.

(Disclaimer: obviously some areas will neccesarily be cleaner than others - the very old books in the library for instance will by neccesity be sprinkled with centuries old dust so that they gently shimmers in the sunlight when you open them.)

2006-08-16T10:07:00.000-05:00

The following pools are now open:

Saltwater
Jello
Mud
Cotton Candy

~The Lovely Management

2006-08-16T09:44:00.000-05:00

I wanted to sneak in here and tell you about two of my favorite places in the valley. The first is the Butterfly Garden. It is simply delightful! There are large adirondeck chairs to relax in - and in all colors too - while the butterflies float around you. The smell from the lavendar might overwhelm you, but who wouldn't want to fall asleep under a redbud tree? Lillies and daisies, marigolds and rosemary...it's a scented paradise. Monarch butterflies are the most common that you will find here. But other varieties have been known to flutter in while migrating. And the gossamer dome that vaults above the garden is quite spectacular during sunrise. The mist gently dissipates while golden sunbeams twinkle the night away on the delicate strands as butterflies float in for their morning nectar.

Inside, between the observatory and the meditation rooms is the library. Shelves that tower, books with notes written in them from the original owner, candles, long oak tables darkened from wine that was spilled, and large windows - some tinted and etched. When the Love Shack Hotel was conceived, many of our patrons started to send in books for us, knowing that a library would soon be born. While there are only a couple thousand books now, we are hoping to see it grow. Perhaps a lucky guest or two will find a book that cannot see them leave and will travel out of the valley with them. Oh, and if you happen to get lost in the stacks, please call out for the Book Kitty. She will find you instantly and lead you out.

~Col

2006-08-16T01:45:00.000-05:00

Provisional Security

Could all staff please note, as a temporary measure I have asked the furry dragon to oversee overnight security until Pete arrives to take up his post permanently next week. I thought this a good choice as he is still recovering from that curry.

Any guests needing asisstance, while I am off shift tonite, please give him a shout.

(Though don't stand behind him)

Thank you, and Goodnight.

- Sancho.

2006-08-16T00:56:00.000-05:00

Re: Expression

As a hotel we encourage all guests to express themselves in whatever way they wish and we hopefully do not prevent any freedoms.

However, those guests that are tempted to run naked down the halls, please advise me beforehand, as this can avoid uneccesary injuries to their extremities and also embarrasing bruises to our staff while cleaning the floor with detergent and thus making it slippy and extremely dangerous.

Thank you.

- Sancho.

2006-08-16T00:45:00.000-05:00

When to Call: A Guide For Yodellers With Asthma

Please be advised this book is in great demand at the moment at our bookstall and will be selling out quickly at the convention in a few days time, so get your copy now.

P.S. I know it has nothing to do with cleaning, but the management haven't found a manager or sales person for the bookshop yet.

- Sancho.

2006-08-16T00:28:00.000-05:00

ThingyummyWotsit Training

Could all guests please note that the obedience lessons for the above creatures will be conducted in the bright orange room on Sunday at 3:45pm.

Please be on time, as I would appreciate the session finishing on time so I can clean up all the peanut butter afterwards.

Thank you.

- Sancho.

2006-08-16T00:22:00.000-05:00

Notice Re: Post By The Management

Would all guests please scream if they don't have the right size pooper scooper for the animal in their room.

All pooper-scoopers are specific obviously, and we don't want to frighten the mice into thinking theyve got piles and a "big one on the way" by showing them the scooper for the Elephants.

Thank you.

- Sancho.

2006-08-15T23:39:00.000-05:00

Addendum:

If you see a very small rodent-looking creature scurrying about the place with a dustpan and brush, please do not step on him and kindly tell him to report to my office a.s.a.p

Mr Miyagi is my chinese dwarf hamster personal assistant, and I would appreciate it if he would turn up for the Orientation sessions on time.

Thank you.

- Sancho.

2006-08-15T23:32:00.000-05:00

A Note From The House Hobbit:

Please can all members of staff and guests be patient with me as i learn the ropes in the next few weeks, I will uphold all standards of cleanliness except where guests request a mud bath, food fight or similar activity.

Please be assured I am at your discretion, if you need my assistance please scream "sancho" at the top of your voice.

Thank you.

- Sancho.

(House-Hobbit-in-Waiting)

2006-08-15T22:40:00.000-05:00

Tuesday 15th August. - I arrive! (Sancho)

I arrived just as the sun was rising above the purple hills onto the shack, my feelings of apprehension rising and falling like the thin veil of morning mist surrounding us... Hanging on for dear life, my fingers digging into the warm fur, I watched as we descended between the peaks, covered with a light snow that sparkled like uncut diamonds. Straining my eyes, I could make out a huge parkland rushing up before us, with what looked like..... violets?!

Was that a pink elephant I just saw dancing?!

Man this is some place.

Eventually, we neared the ground, as my grip got tighter and my knuckles whightened considerably more with the effort of hanging on while trying to balance my suitcase across my knees. Inevitably, I lost the battle as we came to a shuddering bone crunching halt, and I saw my case hurtle about ten yards in front of me and burst open on the ground! Great.

I got off the strange furry creature I'd been sitting/lying/crouched on for the past hour, and winced with the stiffness in my back. I hoped they had showers here to wrinkle out the knots! I tossed an apple into the creature's mouth, and I'm sure it smiled as I patted it's haunches and said "thanks old boy, but next time avoid the curry before the flight!". I looked around and located my case, resting serenely with its contents on a patch of violets, that seemed to be bouncning and swaying as if in a breeze, but yet not harmed or bruised by the sudden violence of my flying wardrobe.

"I'm finally here, and it's taken a while!", I thought as I collected my things as the creature rose with great flaps of its furry wings and soared into the mist again.

After five international flights, two coaches, three pillion-passenger bike-rides, and 2 and a half piggy backs on magical dragons, I was dog-tired. When the employment agency mentioned about "getting away from it all", I didn't realise they meant this far! "Oh well", I thought, "at least I can be myself here", as I surveyed the shack for an entrance...

(Part 2 tommorrow)

2006-08-15T19:42:00.000-05:00

~This Week's Specials~

The Pink Crab:
Grilled salmon with twice baked potatos, squash and wild rice.

The Blue Tea Room:
Blueberry muffins and Earl Grey Tea

The Crawl Space:
The Col (small thin crust cheese pizza, medium french fries and a large chocolate shake)

The Stuffing:
Five layer strawberry cream cake

~Col~

2006-08-15T16:44:00.000-05:00

A Special Advisory from Rezzie of the Fashion Department -

Please be advised that all footwear worn on the premises is subject to revision and critique by the fashion department, whose interest lies not with judgment, but with making you look your best!

Although you are lovingly welcome in our hotel no matter what you wear, if your footwear should be sub par, our department's responsibility lies with taking you shopping, as soon as possible, as scheduled around our special activities.

In other words, there is a No Crocks Please Because They Make My Head Explode policy.

Thank you.

2006-08-15T16:28:00.000-05:00

All allergens have now been removed from the Violet Valley while still maintaining the natural beauty. For any remedies please go to the Lovesick Pharmacy. It is open at all hours and even during some in-between hours.

Our security, Pete, says that he is on his way and will be here next week with Sven in tow. He also says 'Hi!' It was quite a rough 'Hi'. Something all taxmen should fear.

~The Lovely Management

2006-08-15T15:05:00.000-05:00

I hope none of our guests are allergic. I forgot to mention in the welcoming note that the main thing that makes our hotel unique is that each room comes with an animal. Whether the room walls are fishtanks, there are parrots flying around the ceiling, or a hedgehog lives under your bed - there is an animal in that room.

~The Lovely Management.

2006-08-15T13:18:00.000-05:00

Hello, Guests.
My name is Sarah, and while my main job here is taking care of the animals, I wear a few other hats as well. Literally. I love hats.
I'm happy to announce that a new cat has moved in and called us home. His name is Jack and his favorite spot is the sunny window in the Blue Rose Room, so be sure to ask for that room when making reservations if you wanna see the longest whiskers this side of the Mississippi.
We also have a new batch of baby peacocks, and any day now we're expecting the birth of twin llamas.
Hope to see you soon!

2006-06-20T15:35:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Love Shack Hotel! Our goal here is simple: Love Life. No matter what is going on, always love life. The Love Shack is here to remind you of that. Feel free to explore all three hundred and forty five acres in the pristine Violet Valley - known for the fifty different variety of violets that natually grow here. Surrounded by purple mountains, all of our guests can enjoy a beautiful environment. The woods are mostly oaks and maples - see if you can find the numerous swings, statues, waterfalls, caves, and other delightful secluded hideaways on our property.

Our friendly staff would be more than happy to assist you during your stay. If you wish to explore the property more, then you might enjoy going on Ikey's Hikes. His talents involve more than just forging his own path! Every night at least one of our staff members hosts an evening of singing in our Karaoke room, which is lead by Jonny. You can typically find Jonny strumming on the piano located in our six star restaurant, The Pink Crab. Col heads the five restaurants at the Love Shack. The Pink Crab is located South of the Lobby, The Blue Tea Room is west of the hotel down the broken lane, at the Crawl Space you can find just about any snack or breakfast food you want twenty four hours a day, go to Nick and VJ's Exotic Affair for different cultural meals, and finally we have The Stuffing, which is actually a bakery. We believe in carbs here. Carbs are love! If you find yourself wanting an adventure, perhaps you might find it out in the barn. Sarah takes care of all the animals here in the valley - even the wild ones. Somehow she also manages to keep their names straight. Don't fear if you see a pink elephant roaming the walks at night. It's her job. Rezzie is the gal you go to when you want to be outfitted for your stay at the Love Shack, but please know that her specialty is footwear. Rezzie is also in charge of coordinating movie nights and shopping adventures. Call upon our intramural director Svenny if you wish to join in our daily soccer game. Pete is the man, without him, we could not spend our time prancing in the sun while being protected from all sorts of evil. Like deadlines and taxmen. You can easily spot Pete by his broadsword and long hair. Most would categorize him as a Viking. For any of our guests whose love life needs guidance, there is always Miss VJ.

There are many amazing and wonderful nooks, crannies and gorges for you to spend your time. If you're feeling a little blue, why not spend the evening at the Weltzmertz jazz bar? A blue room with low lighting, big easy chairs and tall drinks with just the right mellow music. It will see you thru your worst mood. Delve deeper into the Love Shack and you will be in the Inner Inn. Check in with our resident czech, Josef Deathburger for your key. There are many other attractions...a haunted house, sideshow, castle under the lake, and the filing room - just to name a few. But remember, it all starts with the Lobby.

As our hotel grows, more staff will be needed. We also love to hear from our guests, so if you have any stories or adventures you would like to talk about then please let us know!

~The Lovely Management