The Love Shack Hotel

 

Hey! Who left used pantyhose hanging from the fan in Room 207?

-Edie, the French Maid. 
¶ 4:29 PM  2 comment(s)

 

So, I'm the newest hire. Names Edie. I'm the French Maid. Oi! I'm going to confess it here, I lied on my application. I ain't French and I sure in the hell ain't no damn Maid. See, what I really am is an actress and I'm only taking this job until that break comes my way. Like, I can see myself the next Judy Garland in "The Wizard of Oz", 'cept I plan on re-working some of them scenes 'cus all that Witch need is someone to pull that weave off her head and tell her what's what. I'm good at that, as you'll come to see. So, until then can we just make this thing work? You know, this job? Because I need it until my big moment comes. And I tell you, I have the talent, I just need that one little break.

Here's how it's gonna go: I show up to work in this cutesy outfit, you keep your hands to yourself. I'll clean up after you so long as you don't leave behind blood, body fluids, or items I don't need to see. You try to be tidy and I won't bust your chops for being a complete slob. We clear?

-Edie, the French Maid 
¶ 4:14 PM  4 comment(s)

 

 
¶ 9:17 AM  2 comment(s)

 

Lobby Activities This Weekend:

• Saturday morning "VJ and the Animals" will be treating us to trapieze performance. Everyone is encouraged to bring their own umbrella.
• Cotton Candy and lemonade will be given away to any guest who has successfully trained their room pet to whistle.
• The Great Sliding Competition will be held Sunday morning. JM'sey, be sure to give the floor a good waxing the night before, eh?
• Due to an over-active oven, there is an abundance of fresh chocolate chip cookies that must be eaten IMMEDIATELY. Bessy will supply the milk.
• The cd, "One Night Jonny," will be played non-stop this weekend. "One Night Jonny" is a collection of Jonny's most absurdly drunken songs that he has sung while hosting Karaoke night.
• The weekend will end with a showdown between Miss Kendra and Egan for "Best Pirate Accent."

~The Lovely Management
 
¶ 1:42 PM  2 comment(s)

 

 
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¶ 3:37 PM  0 comment(s)

 

I first bought my piano in 1974, seven years before I was born. It's red, and probably the sexiest piano on earth. Most guests don't realise it's also a time machine. Those that do, however, are usually so drunk that nobody takes them seriously when they tell other guests about this. In this way, the secret stays safe. In any case, it's not like anyone would mind. It's my special time-travelling piano that allows our happy "hour" to be eight hours long. Left your wallet up in your room? Don't worry about it, you can pay for your drinks yesterday.

Since the Shack really took off as business, I've been allowed to employ my own chorus of backing singers. All of them wear red. That's the only condition of employment I actually insist upon. Not wearing red tonight? You're sacked! Can't sing? Join the cacophony. Together we are Jonny and the Painkillers.

It's not karaoke that I lead, not in any conventional sense. The way we usually do things is before happy hour starts, the Painkillers and I stick post-it notes under all the seats in the bar, each with a title of a song written on it that we can pretty much guarantee nobody will have ever heard of. (This is often, but not always because, we make up the titles ourselves. How's the average swiss banker to know there isn't really a Smiths B-side from 1986 called, "I'm Not Convinced That's Really Such a Good Idea, Frank"? It certainly sounds like one). Volunteers (who are sometimes, admittedly, "volunteers") take the note from under their seat and come to the front to perform their rendition of the song. The looks on their faces as they scan their brains' filing cabinets for names of obscure pop-songs, and draw a complete blank, is priceless. I never get tired of it.

So with our (")volunteer(") in place, I shake the sleeves of my red velvet jacket in the way that pianists always do to indicate they're about to start playing, and bang out a montage of almost every possible chord, by way of introduction. The Painkillers are shoop-shooping, ooo-oooo-ing and yeah-yeah-yeahing away and a splendid time is generally had by all. If things go really, really badly, which they often do (but only in the traditional, unimaginative sense of the word "bad") we just travel back in time and start again, to save over-embarrassing our volunteer, who by now is that little bit drunker anyway, so is less likely to care second time around.

Each happy hour, when we follow this procedure, actually ends of lasting several years. You should see my tip jar by the end of the night. Life's a bitch. 
¶ 1:14 PM  0 comment(s)

 

I checked in quite late last night. Greeting me was none other than Sarah, who at the time was wearing the most adorable little hat. When I asked her where she got it from, her reply was to go to visit with the arts and crafts diva, Miss Kendra. Check-in at the Love Shack was rather, well, personal. They stood me up next to a shadow shape and deemed that because I was smaller than it that I deserved a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies, which was later delivered to my room that night. I asked what would have happened if I hadn't been smaller and they say that instead of cookies, I would have received a milkshake. Here, they welcome their guests with food. There was also music playing in the lobby. I hadn't heard the band before, who's name was Fakin' It. They would be playing at the Hotel all that week and one of the band members, Therese, was already onstage performing her rendition of Madonna's 'Material Girl'. As I headed toward the chrystal elevator Sarah, along with a little pink elephant, threw confetti at me.

Escorting me to my room was a penguin wearing a feathered boa. I was told that it gets cold in the hallways at night. I have the pleasure of staying in the Goldfish Bowl. My door was actually a submarine door and you walk into a glass tube - completey surrounded by water and goldfish of all kinds. One of which was as big as a cat and as red as a lobster. By the time I turned around to tip the penguin, I noticed that he was already helping himself to a bucket of sardines at the end of the hallway and heading towards the Slip 'n Slide. After unpacking my things, I headed for the Karaoke room. By this time Therese had moved on to 'La Isla Bonita' and bellydancing. Quite a combination. I sat down at the bar and took in the ambiance. The room was crowded with all sorts of people and animals. In fact, I think I saw the same penguin playing the drums. As she finished, a man of leisure took the microphone and began to sing 'My Funny Valentine'. By the end there wasn't a dry eye in the room. I took that to be my queue to go to sleep. Afterall, I wanted to be up in time for the Lagoon Patrol.

After a quick tea and scone I made my way to the far lagoon at the end of the valley. Daily excursions are made here to feed the creatures living in the bottom of the lagoon. Although I don't see why as they practically came out of the water and took the food out of the buckets themselves! Kelp covered people with gills, webbed feet and an odor that I can only describe as clam-y. Afterwards a group of us made our way to the tea room for a relaxing chat about that morning. I later came to understand that it wasn't the feeding of these creatures that was important but the social interaction. I went back to my room and discovered and odd little man mopping up the room. The goldfish were enjoying his whistling, so I quickly changed into more formal attire and went about exploring the inner domain....

~Alfred J. Prufrock
Guest Extraordinaire 
¶ 10:55 AM  0 comment(s)